I was expecting dinner with DJ not this on Sunday night. Eric asked me to marry him and i said yes and it was all very romantic and unexpected and everything i ever wanted and a surprise and right on time and the best ever all wrapped into one. So tonight as i sit down to write this blog i am wearing an engagement ring on my left hand and you don't get to see it because me and Eric can not figure how to turn the flash off on my camera and pictures with the flash just are not turning out because the diamond is soo huge and shiny. I always thought he would ask me on a Tuesday but it turned out sunday was better. So now for the next 15 months i will be planning a wedding- i have never planned a wedding so i already feel a bit out of my league- someone who knows about these things will definetly be consulted- the date will be 12/11/2010, its a Saturday and we already decided that DJ, the dinner guest that was expected and already knew eric would be asking me, will perform the ceremony. When Eric asked me i broke out in a sweat- it was very unattractive but i couldn't help it- it was like every single cell in my body was excited and in shock- i had to take a shower when i finally calmed down enough to do such a thing- but you know how i love showers, even though during this shower i just stared at the ring on my finger! I have not stopped being excited- i couldn't sleep and i woke eric up at 4:44am and asked if we could have our first breakfest together as an engaged couple- Eric was such a good sport he agreed! Our first breakfest together on our first full day of engagement was a goat cheese and bacon omelette with hash browns. I'm still pretty amped up and wedding planning looms before me and even though i know that there is two of us involved when i think of what i want my wedding to be i am super clear- I know that for so many years it was painful to watch me- it was painful for my family to witness my childhood and adolescent years and even after i got into recovery it was hard work and lots of struggles. On my wedding day I want all the people who love me to be gathered and to celebrate that this skinny blond girl who was so lost for so long, who hurt so much, is getting married and has found happines- that there was another side to all that stuff i went through and on the other side was Eric Joppie and a relationship full of love and happiness.
And when i think of my marriage i know exactly how i want it to go- i want a partnership- i want thousands of morning waking up next to my best friend, next to the love my life, i want us to be a witness to each others life- i think we all need a witness to our lives in some way or another.
OH MY GOSH- i am a complete ball of cheese right now- i'm going to go watch stupid t.v. and then eric and i are going to make butterscotch cookies and i will cookie dough and fall sleep and wake up tomorrow and show off my engagement ring to everyone at work. good night.
Here's what I know about losing someone you love, you never ever lose them. They live forever in the heart you think is broken, but in fact is broken OPEN because you love that much. And the thing about love is there's always more, the more you love the more love there is to love with. And so, four legged family members, friends, and fathers, all die sometime. As many wise people have said, no one gets out of here alive, but I'm absolutely certain, that the more we love the more we love and we can get out of here loving, loved, with more love possible.
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